How to listen when you don't know what to say

Read what you can do when someone does not want help. If you need to pass observations to a doctor, you can do that even if the doctor cannot discuss their care. They may need to tell your parent what you shared.

Prepare a letter or questions for an appointment^[2]

Agree a way of keeping in touch that suits you both. Ask whether there is someone nearby they would want involved, and what you can share with that person. The contact guide covers worrying silence and unanswered doors. If help cannot wait, use the urgent route where your parent lives.

Make requests that someone can answer: “Can you take Dad to Thursday’s appointment?” or “Could you handle the shopping this week?” The guide to sharing support covers dividing practical jobs and planning for times you cannot help.

If you supported your parent as a child, today’s worries may come with a long history. You can seek support for your own mental health without making your parent part of those conversations.

Jonathan’s account of supporting his mother describes recognising the effect on his own life. It is one person’s story.^[3]

Ask whether there is something you would both enjoy that does not revolve around appointments or how they are feeling. It might be watching something together or getting out for a coffee. Leave room for either of you to say no.

Keeping your relationship alongside the support^[2]

Use the boundary guide to work out what you can keep offering. During a calmer spell, plan who to contact when you are unavailable. If the situation is urgent now, use urgent help.

Living together: children, relatives and home life.

You might be trying to explain cancelled plans, changed routines or why their parent is in hospital. Mind’s guide to parenting and mental health has ideas for arranging family support. If children are taking on caring tasks, the young-carer guide explains how to find help for them. If you are worried about a child’s safety, use safeguarding guidance.

Pause a conversation that is getting heated and return to one practical issue when you can both talk. Ask what has changed and what is hardest, without deciding for them what the cause must be. Responding when you get the blame includes ways to pause and set limits.

Work out what needs to change and what you can keep offering.^[3]

For threats, intimidation or feeling unsafe at home, go to help when you feel frightened or threatened. It includes specialist domestic-abuse support. You can ask for advice about your own safety.

You can give a doctor information even when they cannot discuss your son or daughter’s care. Say what you have noticed and when. The doctor may need to tell them what you shared, so explain any concerns about that.

Write down your concerns or prepare for a meeting. If help cannot wait, use the urgent-help route; do not wait for a letter to be read.^[2]

If they want the team to share some information with you, they can use the information-sharing template to prepare their own choices.

Try discussing one practical pressure at a time: disturbed sleep, meals, visitors or who is doing the shopping. Agree what you can each manage this week and when to talk again.

The household guide covers children, relatives and the strain on a couple. For more help, use setting limits, help for children taking on caring tasks and sharing the support.

If you keep going over the past, give yourself somewhere to talk about that too. Feeling guilty does not tell you what caused their difficulties. You can seek support for yourself while helping them.

Guilt, anger and other difficult feelings · Talk to other parents and supporters^[3]

Ask what contact suits them: a regular call, occasional messages or a visit you arrange together. Check which practical things they would welcome help with. Agree what you should do if an expected call does not happen; an unanswered message alone does not tell you what is wrong.

If they want you involved, agree who else nearby can help and what information they are happy to share. Use sharing the support and confidentiality to work through the arrangements.

Respect a request for space. You could leave one brief message saying how they can contact you, without asking them to explain or reply. If they prefer another trusted person, ask whether that person can help; avoid turning contact into a group effort to persuade them.

If there are specific concerns about their health or safety, you can pass observations to their GP or team. If they are suspicious of you, use the guidance for that situation. If help cannot safely wait, use urgent help.

If this is an argument rather than suspicion, see when you are getting the blame. A diagnosis does not explain every disagreement.

If they are leaving children’s services, the guide to moving to adult mental-health services covers the handover and your involvement. For a younger child or teenager, use supporting someone under 18.

Living together: children, relatives and home life.

Before agreeing to pass on an update, ask your sibling what they want shared. If you are being asked to settle every disagreement, be clear about what you can take part in.

Privacy and when to involve someone else · Words for setting a limit^[1]

If your parents are getting older or finding support harder, put this on the agenda before it becomes urgent. Ask your sibling what they want. Write down the help currently provided and which parts need another arrangement; avoid leaving it as “you’ll look after them”.

Planning for changes in who can help

You can love your sibling and still want time with your family that is about your own life. The difficult-feelings guide has help with resentment and guilt. You do not have to wait for another crisis to talk about the effect on you.^[2]

Rethink Mental Illness’s group finder has a Siblings filter. Check each group’s location, age range and whether it meets online, then contact the organiser about joining.

You can also read Eleanor’s account of supporting her sister. It is one person’s experience, not a model everyone has to follow.^[3]

Ask what would help at work. You could offer to go with them to speak to their manager, or help find details of any staff support. If you are already covering extra work and cannot keep doing it, raise the workload problem without giving the team private information about them.

Listening without trying to solve everything

Ask which parts of work are difficult. Discuss possible changes to hours, tasks, deadlines or communication, and arrange a time to review them. Check what HR, occupational health or an employee assistance programme can offer, where these are available.

Acas: examples of mental-health adjustments explains options for employers in Great Britain. In Northern Ireland, see nidirect’s workplace support and advice contacts.^[2]

They can also check Access to Work in England, Scotland and Wales, or Access to Work in Northern Ireland, for help with disability-related support at work. Eligibility and the help offered depend on their circumstances. These schemes do not pay for adjustments the employer is legally required to make.

Be clear about what you can keep private. If there is a good reason to involve someone else, explain who and why. As a manager, follow the organisation’s confidentiality process and discuss what, if anything, colleagues need to be told.

Confidentiality: what you can tell the care team and what they may share.^[3]

If you are worried about suicide, use the guide to asking and responding. If help cannot wait, use urgent help and what to say when you call. Do not wait for an HR meeting to get urgent help.^[4]