When you are running on empty

Describe the help that will be missing, rather than only saying you are exhausted. This gives the care team or social care service something specific to assess. You do not need to find another willing relative before asking.

Describe the help that will be missing

• What you currently do: for example, prepare meals, accompany them to appointments or stay overnight because you are worried about their safety.
• What you cannot continue, and from when. Be clear whether this is a planned change or you have already reached that point.
• What is likely to happen without it. Give facts, including what has happened before, rather than guessing.
• What is still available. Name only help that somebody has agreed to provide. If there is none, say so.

Adapt this to what is actually happening. Include your contact details, their details and the date you need an answer. If writing it feels too much, use the same points on a call and ask the person taking it to record them.

Who to contact

For care or daily-living support: contact the adult social care or social work service for the area where the person lives. In Northern Ireland, contact their Health and Social Care Trust. Ask for a needs assessment or review of their existing care plan, and a separate assessment of your own support needs.

Tell their mental-health team too if the change affects treatment, safety or their care plan. If there is no team, tell their GP about the health concerns. Ask who will coordinate the response; do not assume one service has told another.

Find the council · Find a Northern Ireland Health and Social Care Trust · Carer assessments and the different UK routes.

Ask about help while you wait as well as the longer-term assessment. An assessment does not guarantee a particular service, free care or someone arriving by your deadline. Ask what has actually been agreed and what to do if the gap starts before help is arranged.

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For a written request about your own needs, use the carer’s assessment request builder. It does not replace reporting an urgent gap in care.

Call adult social care or social work and the relevant care team. State at the start that essential support is unavailable today, what is missing and whether anyone is currently at risk. Ask for the duty worker. If the office is closed, use the council or Trust's emergency social care service; look on its website for “out-of-hours social care” or “emergency duty team”.

If you are becoming unwell or need hospital treatment yourself, tell the professionals helping you that somebody depends on your care and has no cover. Do not put off urgent treatment for yourself while trying to arrange everything alone.

For an urgent mental-health problem, use the urgent-help route for your UK nation. Call 999 if someone's life is in danger. Emergency health help and replacement social care are different needs; explain both if both apply.

A listening service can support you through the situation, but cannot arrange someone to take over care. See support for you tonight if you need to talk as well.

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A plan may say “family will support” without anyone checking what that means. Ask for your actual availability to be recorded: which tasks you have agreed to do, how often and for how long. If a plan assumes daily visits or overnight care that you cannot provide, identify that part and ask for it to be corrected.

Keep a copy of what you send. Ask who is responsible for reviewing the plan and when they will respond. An offer to ask relatives is not confirmed cover; say if nobody has agreed to help. If this comes up before a hospital discharge, tell the discharge team before the proposed date.

Ask for your own support needs to be assessed as well as the person's care needs. Assessment routes differ across the UK. In England, NICE's adult-carer guidance says assessments should not assume your willingness or ability to provide care and should discuss replacement care, including emergencies.

If essential support is missing today, use the same-day steps. If services do not respond, use the follow-up steps. You do not have to wait for a complaint to be settled before reporting a new risk.

NICE NG150 recommendations 1.3.12 to 1.3.14 checked for this addition on 5 October 2026. The script is an example, not a guarantee of replacement care or a particular response time.

Keep the date, contact name and a copy of what you sent. Ask for confirmation that the request has reached the right team, who is dealing with it and when you should expect a response.

If the answer is “ask your family”, explain what you have already tried and whether anyone has actually agreed to help. If a plan records you as available when you are not, ask for that to be corrected.

If the situation changes, report the new facts and ask for the urgency to be reconsidered. Say, for example, that a promised visit has fallen through or that you are now too unwell to provide care. Use the steps for getting help today if essential support is unavailable now.

For a refusal, ask for the decision, reasons and review or complaints route in writing. A local carers service may help you prepare the request or find an advocate. Our guide to services not helping covers escalation and the different UK complaints routes. A complaint should not replace reporting a current risk.

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List what you actually do, including the calls, travel and time spent waiting or staying alert. Then ask what would happen if each task stopped.

Some things can wait: updating several relatives separately, a non-urgent errand or keeping everything at home to its usual standard. Other changes need an arrangement first, such as food, personal care or agreed help with medicines. Do not stop essential help abruptly to see whether they cope. If you cannot continue it, report the gap using the steps above.

Talk with the person about support that may no longer be needed or wanted. A task you took over during a crisis might be something they now want to do themselves, with help for one difficult part. They may still need help with other things.

If someone offers assistance but cannot take on care, a specific job such as collecting groceries or making an agreed phone call may still help. If no one is available, return to the service request rather than making another list of people to ask.

Changing established arrangements and setting limits · Time off and flexible-working rights.

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A break needs an agreed period when you are not still doing the organising or expected to answer every call. Check who handles routine questions, what genuinely needs to interrupt you and what the agreed helper or service will do if something changes. A helpline number does not replace care that needs somebody there.

Be specific about what the break needs to make possible: an uninterrupted night's sleep, your own appointment or regular time away from caring. Ask about replacement care or respite, not just advice about relaxation.

Check who would provide the support, whether it fits the person's mental-health needs, when it starts, any cost and what happens if it is cancelled. Include the person in planning wherever possible. If they are anxious about accepting help, ask whether an introduction or short trial is possible.

If they refuse outside help, tell the assessor. Do not describe the arrangement as workable if it depends on support they will not accept. You can still ask for help with your own needs and for the effect on you to be recorded.

Carers UK: arranging and funding a break explains possible options. Local availability and eligibility vary; an assessment for the person you support may be needed as well as yours.

Tell your GP about your own symptoms and the caring situation. Be concrete: how often your sleep is interrupted, whether you are missing meals or medicines, and what is happening to your mood, concentration or work. You do not have to wait until the other person is better.

If you cannot sleep because you are repeatedly needed, explain that as well as how you feel. Sleep advice alone will not provide overnight support. Ask the care team to review an arrangement that depends on you staying awake or being permanently available.

You may still feel on edge after the crisis has passed. Lancaster University's REACT section on your own recovery, developed for relatives of people with psychosis or bipolar disorder, recognises the lasting effect on supporters' work, relationships and everyday lives.

Getting help for your own mental health · Talk to other people supporting someone.

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