Day-to-day support for someone with depression

Doing something yesterday does not mean they can do it today. Ask what is manageable now, without treating a difficult day as a broken promise.

Ask which part is difficult, then offer help with that part. For example:

• Meals and shopping: help order their usual groceries, prepare something together or bring a meal they would like.
• Washing and clothes: offer to put a load of washing on, get clean clothes ready or bring the things they need within reach. Ask first.
• Post and paperwork: sit with them while they open a letter or start a reply. Check whether they want you to read it with them.
• Appointments and calls: offer a lift, help write down questions or sit alongside them during a phone call.

Ask before stepping in, and leave them to decide what they want help with. A practical offer is easier to answer than a general promise to do anything.

If you have ended up handling every task, review one together: what can they manage, what do they want help with, and what needs another person or service? If a change would leave them without essentials, ask services for help with a plan. Withholding help to make someone prove they can cope is not the aim.^[1]

After months of depression, you may be unsure whether to keep asking. Try agreeing what suits them: “Shall I keep sending you things, even when you’re not up for replying?” A familiar photo or chat about a programme can keep contact ordinary. If they ask for space, respect that; a new safety concern needs a different response.^[2]

They may be tired of answering “How are you feeling?” every time someone visits. Ask when you need to, but do not make a mood check the price of having company. Talk about the programme you both follow, share your own news or pick up a conversation you would have had before they became ill.

If they tell you they do not want to discuss their depression, respect that and keep them company without pressing. Be ready to listen if they bring it up. A new concern about their safety still needs a direct question and, where needed, professional advice.

If choosing feels like too much, offer one familiar option: a programme you both follow, some music or company in the garden. Accept a no without treating it as a measure of progress. Browse activities and resources to try together.^[3]

For worrying silence or an unanswered door, see what to do when you cannot get a reply.

Depression can involve loss of enjoyment, low energy, difficulty concentrating and feelings of emptiness or numbness. Someone may speak less, stop initiating affection or seem unable to respond in their usual way.

This can be painful, but do not automatically treat it as proof that they no longer care about you or that the relationship has ended. Ask gently rather than guessing. Their illness does not erase your own need for kindness, communication and support.

Ask which decisions and tasks they want to keep doing themselves. Agree what you will help with, then check occasionally whether that arrangement still suits you both.

Rethink advises thinking about what support you are willing and able to continue providing, what the person can do themselves and who else could help.

Make the change specific: “I can do the lift on Tuesday, but I can’t manage every appointment. Can we work out the others?” Discuss it during a steadier spell and give notice where possible. If reducing your help leaves a gap they cannot manage, ask services about additional support.^[5]

When depression lasts months or years, it can begin to shape every conversation and plan. Someone may want company without another discussion about their health. Keeping the ordinary parts of your relationship going matters alongside practical help and treatment.

You may miss a friendship that used to feel more equal. You can acknowledge that without asking them to recover for your sake. Try arranging something manageable you both enjoy, and talk to someone else about your own loneliness or resentment. If you need less contact, explain what you can offer rather than quietly disappearing.

Depression does not make abuse or violence acceptable. If you are in immediate danger, call 999.^[6]

You should not have to be someone’s only source of safety. If that is what the current plan requires, tell their team, if they have one, what you cannot keep providing and ask for the plan to be reviewed. If you do not know who to contact, use the guide to getting professional support.

It may be time to seek more support if you feel responsible for keeping them alive on your own, your sleep or health is being seriously affected, you feel frightened of their reaction when you set a limit, or you have stopped doing nearly everything that matters to you.

This is not a clinical screening tool. It is a prompt to notice the effect the situation is having on you.^[7]

Do not put every new problem down to depression. New physical symptoms or a marked change in behaviour may need a separate assessment.

If the person is willing, a plan can record early warning signs, what tends to help, what makes things worse, who they want contacted and which professional services are involved.

Write it with them, not about them, and keep it somewhere they can access.

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