Ask how they want to be supportedThe NHS advises trying to understand the person's emotions and experiences rather than focusing only on the self-harm. Let them retain control of ordinary decisions wherever possible.
Keep the conversation open
- Choose a private moment without an immediate deadline.
- Ask one open question, then allow pauses.
- Listen for feelings and circumstances, not method details.
- Ask what support would feel useful.
- Be honest if you need advice or cannot safely keep something secret.
Sources: NHS and Mind
What to avoid saying
- “Promise me you will stop.” Mind advises avoiding pressure and letting the person retain control of decisions.
- “You are doing it for attention.” The NHS specifically advises against insulting or attention-seeking labels.
- “How could you do this to us?” This shifts the conversation towards guilt and away from what they are experiencing.
- “You are a self-harmer.” Mind advises against turning a behaviour into the person's identity.
- “Show me.” Ask whether medical help is needed rather than demanding to inspect their body.
If they do not want to talk
Do not retaliate or force the conversation. Keep ordinary contact going and offer another route, such as writing, speaking to a trusted person or talking to a GP. YoungMinds suggests that some young people may find a note, email or text easier than speaking face to face.
Source for young people: YoungMinds
Ask about suicide if you are worried
Self-harm does not always mean someone intends to die, but the NHS says there is a clear link with suicidal thoughts. If you are concerned, ask directly and use the dedicated guide.
How to ask about suicideThis page organises public guidance from the linked organisations; it has not been clinically reviewed by Here for Someone and contains no method details.
Sources checked: 28 August 2026
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