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BPD or EUPD · Right now

When emotions are running high

The immediate aim is to reduce pressure and keep people safe, not settle the whole disagreement.

Slow the interaction downMind advises staying calm and consistent. Listen for the feeling underneath the words, deal with one issue and postpone decisions that do not need to be made now.
Immediate danger? Call 999 if someone's life is at risk or you cannot keep anyone safe. Use the suicide guide or self-harm guide when those concerns are present.

In the moment

  • Keep your voice and words as steady as you can.
  • Acknowledge the emotion you can see without agreeing with every claim.
  • Ask what would make the next few minutes feel more manageable.
  • Avoid several people questioning the person at once.
  • If the discussion is escalating, take a safe pause and say when you can return to it.

Words you can use

“I can hear how painful this feels. I want to understand, so can we slow this down and deal with one thing first?”

“I am not leaving the relationship. I am pausing this conversation because we are both overwhelmed. I will text you at 7pm and we can decide when to talk.”

Only promise contact you can reliably give. If you need to leave for safety, leave without negotiating a return time in the moment.

If reassurance keeps escalating

Answer clearly once, then move from repeated proof towards what may help the next few minutes. You can be kind without entering an endless cycle of defending the relationship or changing a necessary decision.

“My answer has not changed. I care about you, and I cannot keep answering the same question tonight. Shall we sit quietly, take a walk or call someone else on the plan?”

Source: Mind
Mind: for friends and family of someone with BPD.

What to avoid

  • Trying to prove that their feeling is irrational.
  • Calling them manipulative, dramatic or attention-seeking.
  • Telling them to calm down.
  • Threatening to leave in the heat of the moment unless you need to leave for safety.
  • Promising secrecy about serious risk.

If you need to step away

A pause is different from punishment. If it is safe and appropriate, be clear that you are pausing the conversation, what contact is possible and when you can speak again.

If you are frightened of them

Mental illness does not make abuse acceptable. If you feel afraid, controlled or unsafe, use the page about anger and abuse rather than treating this only as a communication problem.

When you are frightened of them
How to talk in calmer momentsSet a boundary

This page organises public guidance from the linked organisations; it has not been clinically reviewed by Here for Someone.

Sources checked: 27 August 2026

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