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BPD or EUPD · Right now

When emotions are running high

The immediate aim is to reduce pressure and keep people safe, not settle the whole disagreement.

Slow the interaction downMind advises staying calm and consistent. Listen for the feeling underneath the words, deal with one issue and postpone decisions that do not need to be made now.

In the moment

  • Keep your voice and words as steady as you can.
  • Acknowledge the emotion you can see without agreeing with every claim.
  • Ask what would make the next few minutes feel more manageable.
  • Avoid several people questioning the person at once.
  • If the discussion is escalating, take a safe pause and say when you can return to it.

Words you can use

You could say

“I can hear how painful this feels. I want to understand, so can we slow this down and deal with one thing first?”

You could say

“I'm not ending our relationship. I need to stop this conversation for now. I'll text you at 7 and we can decide when to talk.”

Only promise contact you can reliably give. If you need to leave for safety, leave without negotiating a return time in the moment.

If reassurance keeps escalating

Answer clearly once, then move from repeated proof towards what may help the next few minutes. You can be kind without entering an endless cycle of defending the relationship or changing a necessary decision.

You could say

“My answer's still the same. I care about you, but I can't keep going over it tonight. Shall we sit together for a bit, or call someone else on the plan?”[1]

What to avoid

  • Trying to prove that their feeling is irrational.
  • Calling them manipulative, dramatic or attention-seeking.
  • Telling them to calm down.
  • Threatening to leave in the heat of the moment unless you need to leave for safety.
  • Promising secrecy about serious risk.

If you need to step away

Explain why you need to pause and when you can return to the conversation. If it is safe and appropriate, be clear that you are pausing the conversation, what contact is possible and when you can speak again.

If they say they will hurt themselves when you say no, see how to respond and get help without promising constant availability.

If you are frightened of them

Mental illness does not make abuse acceptable. If you feel afraid, controlled or unsafe, use the page about anger and abuse rather than treating this only as a communication problem.

When you are frightened of them
Related help
How to talk in calmer momentsSet a boundary
Sources and how this guide was written

  1. If reassurance keeps escalating

    Mind: for friends and family of someone with BPD.

    Back to the advice

Last full source check: 27 August 2026

Independent information, not a medical or crisis service. This guidance has not been clinically reviewed. How we use sources.

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