Do this now
- Keep your own voice steady. A calmer pace may help stop the situation escalating.
- Listen without agreeing to abuse. If continuing is making things worse, give them and yourself some space.
- Set a boundary. Say which behaviour is not acceptable and what you will do if it continues.[1]
Words you can use
What to avoid saying
- Shouting back or trying to settle every accusation while emotions are high.
- Telling them simply to “calm down” or that their reason for being angry does not matter.
- Waiting for the situation to become violent before taking your own fear seriously.
Why a calm response can help
Stay calm, listen and give the person space where possible. This does not mean accepting threats, intimidation or abuse.
Talk about it afterwards
Do not restart the argument simply because the shouting has stopped. Wait until both of you can listen, speak without threats and pause again if needed. This may be later that day or much later; there is no fixed 24- or 48-hour rule.
When both people are calm, discuss triggers and boundaries. Be specific about what happened, what is not acceptable and what you will do if it happens again. If you still feel frightened, do not arrange a private debrief alone.
If you are frightened of them, not just worried about them
Mental illness does not make abuse acceptable. If you feel controlled, threatened or frightened, or regularly change what you do to avoid their reaction, speak to a domestic-abuse service. You do not need to wait for physical violence.
- England, National Domestic Abuse Helpline for women: 0808 2000 247. Free to call from UK landlines and mobiles. 24 hours, every day. Service details.
- Scotland, Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline: 0800 027 1234. Free to call from UK landlines and mobiles. 24 hours, every day. Anyone experiencing domestic abuse or forced marriage, and people supporting them. Service details.
- Wales, Live Fear Free: 0808 8010 800. Free to call from UK landlines and mobiles. 24 hours, every day. Anyone affected by domestic abuse or sexual violence, including concerned friends and family. Service details.
- Northern Ireland, Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline: 0808 802 1414. Free to call from UK landlines and mobiles. 24 hours, every day. Adults aged 18 or over, and people worried about someone. Service details.
- Men’s Advice Line: 0808 801 0327. Free to call from UK landlines and mobiles. Monday to Friday, 10am to 5pm. Service details.
- Galop LGBT+ Abuse and Violence Helpline: 0800 999 5428. Free to call from UK landlines and mobiles. Monday and Tuesday, 9.15am to 8pm; Wednesday to Friday, 9.15am to 4.30pm. Closed daily from 1pm to 2pm and at weekends. LGBT+ people aged 18 or over who have experienced abuse or violence. Closes at 3.30pm on the first Thursday of each month. Webchat has different hours; check the provider’s page for changes. Service details.
If you are worried that a child or an adult at risk is experiencing abuse, neglect or harm, see how to raise a safeguarding concern.
And you?
It is normal to feel angry or resentful after being treated this way. Support for you was written for this.
Sources and how this guide was written
Do this now
Mind's guidance for friends and family covers staying calm, listening, giving space and setting boundaries.More on this
Mind on abusive or violent behaviour, National Domestic Abuse Helpline, Men's Advice Line and Galop.
Last full source check: 27 August 2026. Domestic-abuse helpline numbers, hours and eligibility checked against the linked providers on 8 October 2026.
Later checks: Boundary wording checked: 30 September 2026.
Independent information, not a medical or crisis service. This guidance has not been clinically reviewed. How we use sources.
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